unwritten

I want to say there has been a lot going on the past few months. I want to tell you that I’ve been working towards my many different goals in life. I wish I could say that I have changed my lazy ways and didn’t have just a bunch of excuses to explain my lack of motivation towards life. I’ll spare you though. There hasn’t been anything worth telling about. Maybe minor things here and there but nothing I can remember. Of course my memory isn’t the most reliable. Every so often I feel I put myself in the box of non-living. Like I purposely lock myself away and become this f*cking zombie going through my day the same way I did the day before. Nothing ever changes. I’m not trying to be emo - I swear I’m not trying to. It seems I get like this ‘I hate life’ mood every time my birthday comes around. I feel like I’m getting old. It’s so stupid, I know I’m not old (turning 24) but the not getting anything accomplished yet is depressing. This might not sound the great… but I have always felt I was meant for more than the average person. I can’t explain it. I mean I have felt this way for as long as I can remember but never have been able to find that thing I’ll be good at. Partially because I never try. I always say I’m trying but in reality I’m more like giving it a half-ass attempt. People say knowing the problem is the first step to fixing it. In my case though, knowing the problem just makes me prolong applying the solution.

When did it happen? How is it that I didn’t notice before this? When did I become bargain hunting, coupon using, W.O.W. playing dweeb with a tingle of cheap?! Not that I’m complaining… I am saving money and am now a part of the arguably largest MMO EVER!!!! …okay so maybe this is putting a bit of salt in my cupcake. It doesn’t bother me, it’s just that it makes me feel lame. A bit of a contradiction, I suppose. But there is no escaping the fact that I absolutely love playing W.O.W. No matter how tired I feel, I know I have to put an hour or two of my time daily into the game.

And… well… about being cheap… when did I become the person who buys the store brand soda as opposed to Pepsi just because it saves me 75 cents. When did I become my parents?

I suppose in the long run these things really don’t bother me at all. A lot of people do both these things and there is nothing wrong with them, so why should there be anything wrong with me. World of Warcraft gives me a hobby and bargain hunting saves me a buck or two. Only alternative is to embrace these things with open arms and just give it up. Be proud of whom I am.

A video game loving penny in a jar for a rainy day saver…. It kind of has a nice ring to it =)

It was my birthday on Thursday (23, now) and it was without a doubt the best birthday ever! It also marked my first birthday with Adam which was pretty sweet. Got some awesome gifts (will post pictures later). Had awesome cake. Oh and also had a nervous breakdown. I have impeccable timing for this stuff, don’t I? Ha. I always like to think my birthday really is when marks a new year for me (as opposed to Jan. 1) and it’s the time to make resolutions for myself. Last year my resolutions were pretty much accomplished so I was looking forward to making my list again this year.. and then it hit me… I have no goals for life. All I want to do is sit on my fat ass and play WOW. That’s it. Que the nervous breakdown here. Lucky for me, I had Adam at my side when I started going into cardiac arrest freaking out. I think what it boiled down to was the fact that I hate my life. Like REALLY hate my life. But the worst part is I can fully admit that I don’t have it bad. I have it pretty good actually. Somehow that makes it kind of worse.

But enough with the melodramatics please!

I have tons to sort out in my head for the next few days. Life style changes for sure. But all of them for a better - happier - me in the future.

Besides all that blah blah blah, I went to Brunswick Square Mall (I think that’s what it’s called) off of rt 18 this weekend. Had a giftcard from Barnes and Nobles so I thought I’d use it right away for some manga of course. When I went to check out with Adam on my right and books in hand, I had the utmost pleasure to see my dream guy at the cashier. He was it. That punk emo rocker dude with the piercings, heavy jewelry, and fucking awesome hair that I can only manage to snag in dreams. Of course I told Adam how I felt and teased him all weekend with the ‘BNN Guy’. All in good fun. That is something that I love about my relationship with Adam. While he may get jealous that I go gaga over other guys sometimes, he doesn’t flip his shit because he knows that I love him. I mean sure BNN Guy was hot but I would never wanna get to know him. I’m not interested in that. I just love eye-candy!

tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Vegas! Got to go play those casinos.

A relationship without communication simply cannot work and I’m glad to be able to say my relationship doesn’t fall into that scenario. Yesterday I gave Adam a call and we talked… well… he listened while I cried. I did let him know how I felt about the whole him not texting me and feeling overall like I’m annoying him. He told me to ‘Stop Babe’ LMAO! But seriously I felt better after expressing my view and him telling me what he was or wasn’t thinking. Everything is more or less is worked out, I suppose. For now anyway. Having had that conversation with him though eased my mind and my heart. It also made me realize I was in fact being a tad bit too emotional and was over-reacting. At the end of the day, he is just a man and as a man he can be dense as a rock so I have to make sure to tell him what is bothering me or else how will he know to stop or change what it is he is doing.

I have just about had it. I’m not a girl who asks for much or who is clingy to her boyfriend like gum on a shoe but even I need more than one word answers. Not to mention the fact that it would be nice to be on the receiving end of texts once in awhile. It seems for the past few weeks I’m the one sending out the first text, asking the questions, genuinely having an interest, trying to keep up a conversation, etc, etc, the list could go on for miles. Yes, I know the poor guy is sick right now but guess what, SO AM I! He doesn’t even ask me how I’m feeling at all. Of course telling him this will do nothing at all. I’m over-reacting, is what he’ll tell me as he rolls his eyes and tells me to ‘Stop babe’. He just honestly doesn’t understand. Maybe it’s because he’s older or maybe it’s because he’s a guy. I don’t know. But this is putting a strain on my end for sure and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it just yet.